When I Think About Cheating.

Today as I was laying in the grass of Annie Kellar School in Mount Greenwood, I lied down and listened to music while thinking. Really deep thinking. Then a song that very strongly relates to a current problem that has presented itself just over the past weekend had came on. It brought the topic back to mind, and once again I was troubled in my thoughts. A person had changed my entire life in just a matter of seconds. In a world of teenage gossip, when word goes around that, so and so had cheated on their significant other, it’s like top news and spreads faster than a wildfire.


Sitting at my grandparents house discussing the dinner party that had just ended a few hours before with my grandmother, I received a text. The text was asking if it was true if I cheated on my current boyfriend. I responded with a simple no, the truth. At that second, nothing was the same. I was being called a liar by a person who didn’t know. The only two people who knew exactly what happened the night of that horrid accusation were myself and the boy who was to blame. I was in a situation that had no right moves, I could never win. I deny the accusations because I cannot admit to something I haven’t done. I own up to my mistakes. I’m not someone who could hurt the one I love so carelessly and continue to due so by lying. I would rather be brutally honest than become the unbelievable. But I was to late. The notion of my being unfaithful had sunken into his head and was there to stay.


So what was my next move going to be? Do I sit here and wait for the one I love to accept that I was, just possibly, the only one who told the truth about that night? Or do I give up like I’ve done the rest of my life. Just throw my hands up and put my head down? Do I surrender to the rumors? Do I accept love in defeat?


I don’t quite know what my move is going to be, but for now, I plan on taking it day by day and attempting to fix all that was broken. I will try to pick up the pieces again, just as I have always done with him. Why? Because even though he may not believe it, he is my everything and I’m not quite ready to give that up.

Everybody Hurts

Today my boyfriend broke up with me. I know, it sounds like every teenage girls tragedy. However; for me I have an intense fear off being alone. So I've spent much of my time, tears, and thoughts on guys who always seemed to never be what I thought they were. They never proved themselves to be the one who fit me just perfectly. This one I allowed to get away with my bad decisions and flirtatious friends who just never got the point. I never thought I would lose him, I never wanted to. I loved him. I truly loved him. He was the one who fit perfectly. I lost him. My everything gone, just like every other guy, only hes stolen my heart and I'll never get it back. I've never allowed a guy to get into my head. I've always had a wall protecting me because I've been hurt so many times. I let him in though, and I got hurt. I've come so close to giving up, but I've always believed that if it was meant to be that he will be with me again. If it isn't, well then, I'll have to be alone. Without him, there is no happiness for me. The pain of always being alone can't even come close to the pain I'm feeling now. The fear, I'm over it. I have an even bigger worry now. The worry of never having the chance of being with him again. I lost another chance at love. That's the truth about forever folks. Forever is only in fairy tales. 

I Saw God Today

Due to some unfortunate incidents, I was without my phone today. I am usually a technology dependent person, and haven't dealt without it for years now, so when that changed I had no idea what to do. At first I was angry, and then I decided music would calm me down. So I put on my music, layed down and just closed my eyes and began to think. Not just thinking about random things, but I really felt myself melt into my subconcious and thought about things that I usually try to ignore or cover up. Thinking about my past, and my future, I really awakened myself. I'm tired of being somebody I hate. The only place I can really share the person who has been locked away inside is right here. Thinking about everything, I've decided what I have to do, and I decided what I want. And I will do anything to get it.

He Calls Her Love

He calls her love, and he tells her pretty things.
Does he not conceive of, the way his lies sting?
He calls her beautiful, but she will never believe.
They are all just lustful, she won't be decieved.
He calls her baby, he will make a mess of her yet.
Her hands are shaking, there's just to much to forget.
He calls her perfect, but she feels so lost.
What do you expect, when his satisfaction is at her cost?
She calls him the one, because she's into wishful thinking.
But as soon as he's done, her heart will go missing.

And The Hardest Part Of Living, Is Just Taking Breaths To Stay.

There's just so much that I wish to say but can't. Fear runs my life. The fear of what I think, of what I do. I fear tomorrow, and I fear today. But you see, everyday I think of what I want. I envision where each path may take me, and I try to make the best choice. But you see the best choice I have, is not a choice at all. So where do I go from here? Do I stand still while my mind races on? Aren't I better than this? Do I not deserve that feeling of being breathless when your near? It's time I start making myself heard. So im going to say this, the truth about forever, nothing lasts that long. Don't think I'll fall for your boyish games. I won't fall for you because of what you tell me, if I fall for you, it's because your an amazing human being, and I want you for who you are, so stop pretending. Thank you.

Reminiscing

How many days do you just sit and stare?
You watch the clock tick back and forth.
There's so much you think about between each second,
And you realize how alone you really are.

There's no point in fixing it, is there?
There's no point in trying at all.
Everything you once knew is now a blurry vision,
And nothing will ever be the same.

Why do people always think life is unfair?
Everyone has to deal with problems at some point.
Though some hide their problems better than others,
We all still feel so broken.

The World is Such A Drag When Out of Love

Love is such a complicated matter. And yet most people don't even know what love is. Does anyone? We may believe we do, but how do you really know? Is love a feeling? An unconscious pull towards another? A force of fate we can't control? Is it anything at all? Love. Such an interesting thing. Some of us go our whole lives without it, and others are fortunate enough to have it, and some just let it go because their afraid to love and be loved. But when you have love, you should fight for it, not just give it up. Love, its a fragile thing. It could build someone up and just as easily break them apart. Love can make happiness and it could create pain. For me, however, the worst kind of love is unrequited love. Its depressing and horrible. Nobody wants their feelings to be unreturned. It sucks. But it happens, and we will just have to live with it. </3